Today is August 10th.
Today is Saturday.
Today is not normal.
I don’t even know what normal is anymore.
I have had four kids since March 14th, 2013.
I have not had four kids yet.
Do you want to know a secret?
My sweet son, Asher, is almost 5 months old.
And I have NEVER given him a bath yet.
Not one bath.
From his own mommy.
One of my very best friends gave him his very first bath after he came home from the NICU. I was on so many drugs from the mental hospital I couldn’t gain the strength or desire to give him his first bath.
I have no idea how to be a mommy to four kids. I have not been healthy for 5 months. I feel like I am only getting worse and not getting better.
Post Partum psychosis transitioned to severe Post Partum Depression and I dealt with Post Partum Anxiety and then I went manic and now I am back to dealing with Post Partum Psychosis.
What has home life looked like for 5 months? Not normal. The kids have spent a lot of time in Kansas with their grandparents because I have not been healthy enough to raise my own kids. They have also spent a lot of time with my parents, friends, and even a nanny that comes over that was given to us as a gift.
It’s hard to admit that I can’t raise my own kids.
Can this season get any harder?
Can the financial distress go any deeper?
Can the strains on our marriage feel any more pressure?
Will my kids remember how bad of a mommy I was?
Will they remember how many days I spent in hospitals, doctor offices, psychiatrists offices, counseling sessions?
Where is hope?
Where is God?
Lord, I know you have not left me, but I am barely hanging on. I posted on social media yesterday how I feel like Moses from Exodus 17:10-13. As long as Moses arms were up, the Israelites were winning. But Moses became tired and could not hold up his arms anymore so his friends held up his arms for him, and as a result, they won the battle.
This picture above is a glimmer of hope.
A card in the mail at just the right time.
A random giftbox at my doorstep reminding me of how good God is, even in the midst of such a hard season.
A beautiful picture hand drawn from our World Vision sponsored child telling me in Spanish, that Jesus loves me.
I am barely hanging on.
Thank you for holding up my arms during this battle. Thank you for the e-mails, texts, phone calls, Facebook messages, etc. I am behind in responding to all of them, but please know I have read them all. And I have cried tears of joy feeling so thankful to have such a strong support group during this time.
I am choosing to trust God today.
With my family.
With my health.
With my business.
With my kids.
With the medical bills.
With summer ending.
With school starting.
With all the decisions that need to be made regarding so much.
There is joy to be found today.
Even when it doesn’t feel like it.